nonstop??? lmao for me its so bad that i've kind of adapted to a constant sensation of existential dread
even mere existence itself scares on some gross visceral level and its not fun, but meh 90% of my life has consisted of NOT FUN so wtf is new lmfao
though there are often long periods of i suppose either derealization or(and?) depersonalization in which reality feels out of focus (this disconnect is a large portion of why i procrastinate like no one has before lmao. its hard to get shit done when you're feeling helpless at the mercy of time, things just flowing past you and unable to find the willpower to even begin searching for a holdfast)
it doesn't help that most of the things other humans use to place value on existence just dont click with me(family, religion, just being human in general)
i dont really struggle so much with 'how did i get here' so much as 'why am i still here'